There was a chill in the air as Vivian carried her whimpering toddler out of The Corset Club both she and her child had been born into. "Hush, sweet heart. I'm sending you to a better place, one that you deserve. I don't know when I will see you again but know I love you with all my heart." she said as she wiped a tear from her cheek. "Be brave my beautiful little girl." she told the child as she put her down and knelt on the hard cobblestone street looking into the innocent eyes of the only thing she held dear.
Two men dressed in simple white clothes walked toward the two with calm yet alert eyes. They smiled. "Is this Little Ruth?" The older of the two asked as he knelt down to the child's level. "I am going to take you to a wonderful place of beauty and joy. Would you like that?" he asked holding out his hand to the child.
Ruth nodded. "Can Mommy come too?" she asked taking the man's hand. She didn't know what made her trust him. Maybe it was his warm smile or the aura of total love that surrounded the men. The younger of the two beamed down at the little girl. "No precious. She is still needed here. My father and I will care for you until it is her time to join us." he said and brushed her hair behind her ear.
Vivian let out a sob and kissed her daughter's forehead. "Be strong sweet heart." she said and turned away from the group. "Good bye my angel." she said and ran back into the club as tears ran down her face. She went right for her bedroom and locked the door behind her. Her legs gave out as she burst into sobs of deep grief and longing to go with the men and her daughter. She let out a cry of anguish as she silently prayed. "Please care for my daughter. Raise her to be better than those before her."
The little girl looked up at the men and back toward the only home she'd ever known. "Mommy will come see me someday?" she asked. The older man nodded. "Yes. In the mean time Joshua will be your friend." he said as the younger man smiled sweetly. "Does that sound good?" he asked and held out his hand. "We can go see your new room together."
Ruth beamed. "I get a room?" she asked having only ever shared a room with her mother. "Do I have to share it with Yesua?" she asked innocently. "No precious." Joshua said and held out his hand. She giggled at the pet name and took his hand as well. She looked up at the men and nodded. "Then Let's be off." The older man said. and walked away from the club.
Ruth looked back at her mother and watched her fade as the men whisked her to her new home.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Letter to My Grandma
Hey Gram,
It's been 2 years since you passed and I miss you. I think about you every day and wonder if you are proud of me. So much has happened the last two years and I wish you were here to hug me and tell me you love me. I've had wins and I've had losses but I've grown so much in 24 months.
I divorced my husband. I know you would have been proud of me for that. You never liked him. He was treating me just as bad as you were being treated. I was so proud of you for admitting that you were being abused. I think that's what encouraged me to see what was happening with me. You were so brave in your last week.
I know the last lucid thing you heard was fighting but I hope you know we all were there. I know you reacted to me singing to you for the last time. I'm sorry I was a bit pitchy. I was trying to hold back tears. I know how much you loved to hear me sing. I felt you squeeze my hand. I know you liked it. I still can't hear that song without thinking of you.
The family has never been the same. Some of us went crazy after your death. They took all your valuables before the rest of us could get to them. That's okay though. I got the things that were valuable to me. I got several of your pairs of earrings and a cookie jar. That's all I need to remember you by.
The longer you are gone the more I realize how much we were alike. Mom keeps mentioning things I never knew about you. I knew we loved the same color but I never realized you had the same love for butterflies. It makes me smile every time I think of it.
I got a job as a photographer. I know you'd be proud of that. You know how much I love anything artistic. I love my job. It's fulfilling in a creative way. I just wish I had more hours. There are people that come in sometimes that look or smell or talk just like you did. It makes me miss you so much I want to cry.
There are times I can feel you watching over us and I sometimes feel you smile when I take care of myself or do something you would like. I know you are at peace now but we all miss you. I know I'll see you again someday but it still doesn't make it any easier. Mom and I still cry sometimes. Things are getting easier though. We are moving on with our lives but you are never far from our minds.
I love you. I miss you.
It's been 2 years since you passed and I miss you. I think about you every day and wonder if you are proud of me. So much has happened the last two years and I wish you were here to hug me and tell me you love me. I've had wins and I've had losses but I've grown so much in 24 months.
I divorced my husband. I know you would have been proud of me for that. You never liked him. He was treating me just as bad as you were being treated. I was so proud of you for admitting that you were being abused. I think that's what encouraged me to see what was happening with me. You were so brave in your last week.
I know the last lucid thing you heard was fighting but I hope you know we all were there. I know you reacted to me singing to you for the last time. I'm sorry I was a bit pitchy. I was trying to hold back tears. I know how much you loved to hear me sing. I felt you squeeze my hand. I know you liked it. I still can't hear that song without thinking of you.
The family has never been the same. Some of us went crazy after your death. They took all your valuables before the rest of us could get to them. That's okay though. I got the things that were valuable to me. I got several of your pairs of earrings and a cookie jar. That's all I need to remember you by.
The longer you are gone the more I realize how much we were alike. Mom keeps mentioning things I never knew about you. I knew we loved the same color but I never realized you had the same love for butterflies. It makes me smile every time I think of it.
I got a job as a photographer. I know you'd be proud of that. You know how much I love anything artistic. I love my job. It's fulfilling in a creative way. I just wish I had more hours. There are people that come in sometimes that look or smell or talk just like you did. It makes me miss you so much I want to cry.
There are times I can feel you watching over us and I sometimes feel you smile when I take care of myself or do something you would like. I know you are at peace now but we all miss you. I know I'll see you again someday but it still doesn't make it any easier. Mom and I still cry sometimes. Things are getting easier though. We are moving on with our lives but you are never far from our minds.
I love you. I miss you.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Life's Little Irritations
We all have those things that irritate us to no end. It could be an unorganized closet, our hair being out of place, or an unruly child. I thought I would share some of the things that bother me and maybe you can share some things about yourself...
One major annoyance for me is hearing people chew. I don't know why but it both disgusts and makes me mad. There is something about the sound that drives me absolutely nuts. I know I'm not the only one though. There is a condition called Misophonia. I don't know if I have it or what but I will post a link at the bottom of the post with more information if it sounds interesting to you.
Another thing that really bothers me is when someone dog-ears pages in a book or rolling soft covers so they can read it with one hand. From a young age my mother taught me that books are precious things and need to be cared for. She told me not to break the spine or bend the pages. Books are so poorly cared for these days and it upsets me. I'm a book lover from birth and I have my mama to blame (or thank) for that. It bothers me how little respect people have for such an ancient art. You can learn so much from books and share so many stories. What's not to like about them? So please, if you have a book around me don't mistreat it or I will end up taking it from you and beating you with it.
Since I was a kid one thing that has irritated me was when someone squeezed toothpaste from the middle of the tube instead of the end. UGH It bothers me so much I used to lecture my mother... MY MOTHER... about it. I used my own allowance to buy those little things that you put on the end of the tube and pull it down to get every last drop. It was at that point that my mom bought separate toothpaste for me. I think she got sick of hearing it.
Now, I wasn't an English major in college. In fact I was a psychology major. HOWEVER, I am a self proclaimed Grammar Nazi. I know I'm not perfect. I make mistakes and I SUCK at spelling but it irritates me when someone speaks in double negatives or uses a word improperly. It also annoys me when someone doesn't know which form of their, there, or they're to use in a sentence. They teach that in elementary school for goodness sake. Try to retain your education instead of throwing it in the toilet.
The only thing that can get me upset faster than any of those things is bad drivers. I know all of you can agree with me here. There are people that just shouldn't have a driver's license. I'm talking about the people who speed up to pass you then once they are in front of you they slow down... WHAT THE HECK!!!! Seriously? Was it that important to get in front of me? Or the people who sit at a green light because they are busy texting their BFF or whatever. UGH Put down the phone!
Anyway... I hope you can find humor in some of these and maybe even agree with some of them. Consider this part one as I'm sure more irritations will pop up.
One major annoyance for me is hearing people chew. I don't know why but it both disgusts and makes me mad. There is something about the sound that drives me absolutely nuts. I know I'm not the only one though. There is a condition called Misophonia. I don't know if I have it or what but I will post a link at the bottom of the post with more information if it sounds interesting to you.
Another thing that really bothers me is when someone dog-ears pages in a book or rolling soft covers so they can read it with one hand. From a young age my mother taught me that books are precious things and need to be cared for. She told me not to break the spine or bend the pages. Books are so poorly cared for these days and it upsets me. I'm a book lover from birth and I have my mama to blame (or thank) for that. It bothers me how little respect people have for such an ancient art. You can learn so much from books and share so many stories. What's not to like about them? So please, if you have a book around me don't mistreat it or I will end up taking it from you and beating you with it.
Since I was a kid one thing that has irritated me was when someone squeezed toothpaste from the middle of the tube instead of the end. UGH It bothers me so much I used to lecture my mother... MY MOTHER... about it. I used my own allowance to buy those little things that you put on the end of the tube and pull it down to get every last drop. It was at that point that my mom bought separate toothpaste for me. I think she got sick of hearing it.
Now, I wasn't an English major in college. In fact I was a psychology major. HOWEVER, I am a self proclaimed Grammar Nazi. I know I'm not perfect. I make mistakes and I SUCK at spelling but it irritates me when someone speaks in double negatives or uses a word improperly. It also annoys me when someone doesn't know which form of their, there, or they're to use in a sentence. They teach that in elementary school for goodness sake. Try to retain your education instead of throwing it in the toilet.
The only thing that can get me upset faster than any of those things is bad drivers. I know all of you can agree with me here. There are people that just shouldn't have a driver's license. I'm talking about the people who speed up to pass you then once they are in front of you they slow down... WHAT THE HECK!!!! Seriously? Was it that important to get in front of me? Or the people who sit at a green light because they are busy texting their BFF or whatever. UGH Put down the phone!
Anyway... I hope you can find humor in some of these and maybe even agree with some of them. Consider this part one as I'm sure more irritations will pop up.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Terror on Court Street
So, my friends, I went through the worst thing ever today. I would have rather had to go through my entire divorce again than have to do this. Just the thought of this one thing puts me on edge to the point that I want to cry. I'm talking about going to the dentist... I know. I know. I'm an adult and I shouldn't be afraid of going to the dentist but I've had some really bad experiences before.
When I was a little girl going to the dentist was TORTURE! I remember having to get one of my teeth pulled at a young age so they could put in a spacer and that was before the braces. After the braces I ended up having my wisdom teeth pulled. After that I went to have a cavity filled and the dentist didn't numb me well enough. I was saying "OW." every few seconds and in tears. She rolled her eyes. "It doesn't hurt. Stop being a such a baby." To this day I can't believe she said that. It was beyond rude and SO unprofessional.
Today I got to my 1 o'clock appointment at 12:30 for two reasons. Number one is that's when Dad dropped me off because he had to get Mom her lunch. Number two is because I figured I would have some paperwork to do because I'm a new patient. I was so not going back to Western Dental. (Their stuff doesn't last.) I was locked out of the office until 5 minutes before my appointment. I filled out my paperwork and turned it in. Once I turned it in with my insurance card and ID, I stood there waiting for her to say she didn't need anything else. The receptionist looked up at me from behind her computer with a look that reminded me of a popular high school girl. "We're done..." she told me in a tone that more said. "Why are you still here?"
I went back to my seat and sat there... and sat... and sat...for almost an hour listing to her talk rudely to everyone that came in and everyone on the phone. Once she got a break I asked her how long it was going to be. She acted like I shouldn't even be talking to her. She said it was typical to have an hour waiting time that he always did a cleaning and all the work that day. I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT. Something inside me froze. I really didn't want any more work than necessary. I told her that I was having extreme anxiety about even being there and she somewhat tried to reassure me that everything would be fine.
About an hour after my appointment time I got called into the back. I thought "Finally. Maybe I can make it through this." They took my X-rays and all that stuff then left me to wait for the dentist. I waited for a while then he came in and did his thing. He injected me with the first shot of Novocaine and left me to wait.... and wait.... and wait.... During this waiting time I ended up having a major anxiety attack and started crying. The girls were nice and tried to comfort me.
By the time he returned I was already starting to lose the numb. He got to work and it hurt. He gave me another shot. It still hurt so he got a different kind of numbing agent. That worked! All the way up to my top eyelid was numb. He finished and one of the assistants cleaned my teeth and I was all done. I nearly ran out of the building and got into my dad's truck. "Get me out of here!"
When I was a little girl going to the dentist was TORTURE! I remember having to get one of my teeth pulled at a young age so they could put in a spacer and that was before the braces. After the braces I ended up having my wisdom teeth pulled. After that I went to have a cavity filled and the dentist didn't numb me well enough. I was saying "OW." every few seconds and in tears. She rolled her eyes. "It doesn't hurt. Stop being a such a baby." To this day I can't believe she said that. It was beyond rude and SO unprofessional.
Today I got to my 1 o'clock appointment at 12:30 for two reasons. Number one is that's when Dad dropped me off because he had to get Mom her lunch. Number two is because I figured I would have some paperwork to do because I'm a new patient. I was so not going back to Western Dental. (Their stuff doesn't last.) I was locked out of the office until 5 minutes before my appointment. I filled out my paperwork and turned it in. Once I turned it in with my insurance card and ID, I stood there waiting for her to say she didn't need anything else. The receptionist looked up at me from behind her computer with a look that reminded me of a popular high school girl. "We're done..." she told me in a tone that more said. "Why are you still here?"
I went back to my seat and sat there... and sat... and sat...for almost an hour listing to her talk rudely to everyone that came in and everyone on the phone. Once she got a break I asked her how long it was going to be. She acted like I shouldn't even be talking to her. She said it was typical to have an hour waiting time that he always did a cleaning and all the work that day. I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT. Something inside me froze. I really didn't want any more work than necessary. I told her that I was having extreme anxiety about even being there and she somewhat tried to reassure me that everything would be fine.
About an hour after my appointment time I got called into the back. I thought "Finally. Maybe I can make it through this." They took my X-rays and all that stuff then left me to wait for the dentist. I waited for a while then he came in and did his thing. He injected me with the first shot of Novocaine and left me to wait.... and wait.... and wait.... During this waiting time I ended up having a major anxiety attack and started crying. The girls were nice and tried to comfort me.
By the time he returned I was already starting to lose the numb. He got to work and it hurt. He gave me another shot. It still hurt so he got a different kind of numbing agent. That worked! All the way up to my top eyelid was numb. He finished and one of the assistants cleaned my teeth and I was all done. I nearly ran out of the building and got into my dad's truck. "Get me out of here!"
Monday, January 19, 2015
"Can I See Your ID?"
Going to the library is a fun event for my family. We can spend hours there just looking through the books just trying to make a decision. Its hard to get me out of the place. It's like my paradise. My dream would be to have a library of my own where I could live out my days with my nose stuck in a book. What annoys me is when people misuse my utopia or abuse the books.
My story begins just yesterday on a family outing to the library. I was so excited to be back in those hallowed halls of books that I could barely keep myself from running inside like a little child. The entrance smelled of apple pie and sunshine. I'm serious. It must have been the cleaners they used but it was heavenly. I walked through isles and isles of books looking at world after world of magic and imagination. *sigh* Pure heaven... but I digress... I found the book I wanted and I set of to find my parents. I found them at the upstairs computers and started walking toward them. As I did one of the librarians asked if I had any questions and I shook my head. It was as if she didn't want me to go to my parents. I went anyway and my mom told me to sit down as she looked for books to help my father learn to fly a plane.
I pulled up a chair and she wrote a little note on her note pad. She described a man not far from us who's computer screen was facing us. I looked behind us and noticed the security guard watching him carefully. He moved his screen to another page and inserted a picture of himself into what looked like a driver's license. My jaw dropped and I looked at my mom.
"Did you guys tell them?" I whispered shocked at the whole situation. Mom nodded and did her typical "I-can't-believe-this-is-happening" laugh. Apparently he and another man were making fake IDs out of the library for some time now and his partner had gone downstairs to complain about people watching their computer screen. And the Darwin Nomination goes to.... Moron in the Leather Jacket and his Less Brilliant Sidekick.
I mean, seriously? Who goes to the library to make fake IDs? You are bound to get caught!
Sunday, January 18, 2015
What It's Like Working At a Portrait Studio
We all know that every job is hard in it's own way and they all have their perks too. Being a photographer at a chain studio is no different. JCPenny Photography is one of the last chain photography studios. The only reason is because we are affiliated with Lifetouch Photography. We also have a loyal base of customers that visit us often. That's awesome! We wouldn't be in business if it weren't for them but there are some "guests" that just irritate me.
Being associated with Lifetouch Photography means we get our pictures from the most well known photography business in the United States. They do school pictures and sports pictures as well so it provides a bit of security, On the other hand when people hear we are a branch of them they are surprised because most of the school photographers don't do that good of a job. Most school pictures are only one or two shots and then the child is scooted off. Most people don't appreciate that, especially when their kid ends up looking high or like Frankenstein's Monster.
Our loyal customers are awesome!Some come in bi weekly. Some monthly and some, come every few months. However often they come they are the the main source of our revenue and we love them! Their kids are usually great in the camera room. They know our procedures, packages, prices, and how things work in general.
HOWEVER there are those few customers that you see their name on the schedule and you want to bang your head against the wall. I'm talking about the ones that come in expecting you to choose the backgrounds on the spot, do 5 different outfit changes, have every picture be perfect, be in the camera room for an hour even though you have a waiting room full of people, then take 3 hours on the computer going over every single detail of every single picture before buying $10 worth of pictures. UGH There is nothing more irritating than that. In 10 years you won't care if you can't see the whole shoe in the picture. You'll care if you can see how cute your kid's smile is.
For the people who don't come in often you are still cool. We love getting to know new people and helping you make new memories. We just ask you don't act surprised that your kid doesn't respond the same to us taking pictures with big bright flashing lights in a hot camera room as at home with an iPhone. If it's a baby's first time in a studio they are likely to be scared at first. It will take a while for them to warm up to the experience. Just relax. We know what we're doing.
Oh and when we're selling you pictures we're going to try to get you a good deal. We aren't going to try to cheat you out of money or trick you. We will explain things to you and try to help you. Okay? So quit being so suspicious! DANG! While you're at it, KEEP YOUR KIDS UNDER CONTROL!!! Our waiting room is not a place for them to run around, or scream, or mess around with our equipment, or touch whatever they want to! They can do that at home but we are not babysitters. We do not get paid to watch your screaming, trouble making brats. If there is no need to complain about us don't do it... You will not get free things because you complain. Our manager is not stupid and neither is the district manager. Grow up!
Even though there are drawbacks there are a lot of things to love about my job. I get to see cute kids and babies on a daily basis. I get to help families make memories that will last beyond their lifetimes. I get paid to be an artist. What could be better than that? I get to release my creative nature AT WORK! That's a dream come true for me. I like the people that I work with. We usually have a good time when we are together. We talk, laugh, joke, share and generally have fun with what we do. Being a photographer is amazing in general especially for a person like me. I think this is exactly where I'm supposed to be right now.
Being associated with Lifetouch Photography means we get our pictures from the most well known photography business in the United States. They do school pictures and sports pictures as well so it provides a bit of security, On the other hand when people hear we are a branch of them they are surprised because most of the school photographers don't do that good of a job. Most school pictures are only one or two shots and then the child is scooted off. Most people don't appreciate that, especially when their kid ends up looking high or like Frankenstein's Monster.
Our loyal customers are awesome!Some come in bi weekly. Some monthly and some, come every few months. However often they come they are the the main source of our revenue and we love them! Their kids are usually great in the camera room. They know our procedures, packages, prices, and how things work in general.
HOWEVER there are those few customers that you see their name on the schedule and you want to bang your head against the wall. I'm talking about the ones that come in expecting you to choose the backgrounds on the spot, do 5 different outfit changes, have every picture be perfect, be in the camera room for an hour even though you have a waiting room full of people, then take 3 hours on the computer going over every single detail of every single picture before buying $10 worth of pictures. UGH There is nothing more irritating than that. In 10 years you won't care if you can't see the whole shoe in the picture. You'll care if you can see how cute your kid's smile is.
For the people who don't come in often you are still cool. We love getting to know new people and helping you make new memories. We just ask you don't act surprised that your kid doesn't respond the same to us taking pictures with big bright flashing lights in a hot camera room as at home with an iPhone. If it's a baby's first time in a studio they are likely to be scared at first. It will take a while for them to warm up to the experience. Just relax. We know what we're doing.
Oh and when we're selling you pictures we're going to try to get you a good deal. We aren't going to try to cheat you out of money or trick you. We will explain things to you and try to help you. Okay? So quit being so suspicious! DANG! While you're at it, KEEP YOUR KIDS UNDER CONTROL!!! Our waiting room is not a place for them to run around, or scream, or mess around with our equipment, or touch whatever they want to! They can do that at home but we are not babysitters. We do not get paid to watch your screaming, trouble making brats. If there is no need to complain about us don't do it... You will not get free things because you complain. Our manager is not stupid and neither is the district manager. Grow up!
Even though there are drawbacks there are a lot of things to love about my job. I get to see cute kids and babies on a daily basis. I get to help families make memories that will last beyond their lifetimes. I get paid to be an artist. What could be better than that? I get to release my creative nature AT WORK! That's a dream come true for me. I like the people that I work with. We usually have a good time when we are together. We talk, laugh, joke, share and generally have fun with what we do. Being a photographer is amazing in general especially for a person like me. I think this is exactly where I'm supposed to be right now.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Why I Got My Tattoo...
I'm sure those of you who are reading this blog that haven't heard from me since high school never thought that I would ever get a tattoo. I was the girl who never cursed, went to church every week, four or five times a week. I was the one who was always cautious and loved the outcasts. I was a drama geek, in the choir and seldom went to school without my bible. There were christian CDs in my car mixed with pop and country. I was quiet and kept most of my ideas and thoughts to myself. Well I guess I have a secret that I've kept pretty hidden from all of you pretty well until now. I feel like now is the time to talk about something important before all of you think I've gone off the deep end.
When I was ten or eleven I started getting really sad for no reason. I was spoiled rotten. I had a tv in my room, a room to myself, a waterbed, and all the toys I could have ever asked for. I was in a good place physically but mentally I started slipping. One night before dinner I took my bottle of allergy meds and downed a whole month's worth because that was the only thing I could take. I started to feel excessively sleepy and didn't even bother to tell my mother what I had done. I didn't bother telling my mother what I'd done but eventually she found out when she read my diary. Shortly after she started taking me to counseling but I wasn't keen on the idea of talking to a stranger alone in a small room. I was put on antidepressants but they made me feel worse than before. I tried a few different types but none of them worked. I eventually stopped trying.
After a couple years my world got turned upside down. The only father I had known to that point started abusing me. I won't go into detail because I'm sure none of you want to read that. I told my mom and she kicked him out. Before my freshman year of high school things got really bad and I ended up having to stay the night in a hotel a couple times. I ended up going back to a psychologist and he diagnosed me with PTSD, severe depression and a couple other things. I still didn't like talking to a stranger about my problems. My problems were my own. That year my uncle ended up moving to town to be closer to family and it was a comfort having a man nearby that I could count on again while getting to know more of my family. During that year I tried to commit suicide again by taking a bunch of Tylenol. By that time most of my "friends" had moved on or abandoned me because I told them what had happened to me. I was in charter school because I couldn't focus in regular school. My freshman year was not my finest. Not only was I dealing with abuse trauma and what he was putting us through but I got into a roll over car accident that February and had a stalker for most of the year.
My sophomore year went a little better. I ended up going back to public school and reconnecting with old friends. Though I had a few episodes because of my PTSD things went well.
Junior year things started going a bit crazy again. I started dating this boy that I liked on the last day of sophomore year. He ended up going a bit crazy and getting himself kicked out of school. Our relationship got really strained and we ended up breaking up.
Of course Senior year is a mix of emotions for everyone but not all high schoolers find out that their father lives in Kentucky and they have 3 half siblings. Learning that kind of threw me into a tail spin. I didn't know if I wanted to talk to him or if I just wanted to stay the way they were... me and my mom. I finally made the decision to talk to him and asked him to come to my graduation.
Graduation week my parents got back together and my father moved back to California with a plan to move my siblings here ASAP. Once we moved for me to go to college things took another turn. I was having a hard time finding where I fit into my new world. My father was now in the picture and I was having a hard time finding not only a church but friends.
In one of my theater classes I meat a guy and we started dating. We dated for about 2 months and he never once took me out. All he wanted was my body despite his claims of being a devout catholic. I then met my now ex husband... We ended up dating and that's where I really got lost.
Somehow he convinced me to move in with him and I fell for him despite only knowing him for a short time. One day my mom called me and asked me to clean out my old room. He dropped me off and ended up taking his ex shopping for groceries... not only that but he hung out with her for a few hours after. When I called him to pick me up he refused and I had my parents take me home. He got home late and we got into an epic fight. During the fight he said "But I'm in love with YOU J***". Needless to say I burst into tears. My first name does NOT start with a J. He wrapped his arms around me and proposed then and there....
In my desperation to belong somewhere I accepted.
The next 5 years were full of abuse, neglect, and general nastiness. He led me down a path that I regret more than anything and he left me feeling unlovable. I attempted suicide twice during my marriage to him.
Leaving him was one of the hardest and best things I've ever done. I'm just now getting to a place where I can focus on myself and healing from the madness. Needless to say this is just the awful stuff... My life has had so many joys and moments of content that outweigh all of this negative but sometimes I still feel like that little girl taking the allergy meds just to get the pain to stop. Sometimes I am still the abused tween and wife. I know God has given me my life for a reason. He will not give me anything I cannot stand. This tattoo is to remind me in the middle of all that darkness and sorrow to be brave and give it one more day, one more week... to make a difficult change for the better.
― Meg Cabot, The Princess Diaries
When I was ten or eleven I started getting really sad for no reason. I was spoiled rotten. I had a tv in my room, a room to myself, a waterbed, and all the toys I could have ever asked for. I was in a good place physically but mentally I started slipping. One night before dinner I took my bottle of allergy meds and downed a whole month's worth because that was the only thing I could take. I started to feel excessively sleepy and didn't even bother to tell my mother what I had done. I didn't bother telling my mother what I'd done but eventually she found out when she read my diary. Shortly after she started taking me to counseling but I wasn't keen on the idea of talking to a stranger alone in a small room. I was put on antidepressants but they made me feel worse than before. I tried a few different types but none of them worked. I eventually stopped trying.
After a couple years my world got turned upside down. The only father I had known to that point started abusing me. I won't go into detail because I'm sure none of you want to read that. I told my mom and she kicked him out. Before my freshman year of high school things got really bad and I ended up having to stay the night in a hotel a couple times. I ended up going back to a psychologist and he diagnosed me with PTSD, severe depression and a couple other things. I still didn't like talking to a stranger about my problems. My problems were my own. That year my uncle ended up moving to town to be closer to family and it was a comfort having a man nearby that I could count on again while getting to know more of my family. During that year I tried to commit suicide again by taking a bunch of Tylenol. By that time most of my "friends" had moved on or abandoned me because I told them what had happened to me. I was in charter school because I couldn't focus in regular school. My freshman year was not my finest. Not only was I dealing with abuse trauma and what he was putting us through but I got into a roll over car accident that February and had a stalker for most of the year.
My sophomore year went a little better. I ended up going back to public school and reconnecting with old friends. Though I had a few episodes because of my PTSD things went well.
Junior year things started going a bit crazy again. I started dating this boy that I liked on the last day of sophomore year. He ended up going a bit crazy and getting himself kicked out of school. Our relationship got really strained and we ended up breaking up.
Of course Senior year is a mix of emotions for everyone but not all high schoolers find out that their father lives in Kentucky and they have 3 half siblings. Learning that kind of threw me into a tail spin. I didn't know if I wanted to talk to him or if I just wanted to stay the way they were... me and my mom. I finally made the decision to talk to him and asked him to come to my graduation.
Graduation week my parents got back together and my father moved back to California with a plan to move my siblings here ASAP. Once we moved for me to go to college things took another turn. I was having a hard time finding where I fit into my new world. My father was now in the picture and I was having a hard time finding not only a church but friends.
In one of my theater classes I meat a guy and we started dating. We dated for about 2 months and he never once took me out. All he wanted was my body despite his claims of being a devout catholic. I then met my now ex husband... We ended up dating and that's where I really got lost.
Somehow he convinced me to move in with him and I fell for him despite only knowing him for a short time. One day my mom called me and asked me to clean out my old room. He dropped me off and ended up taking his ex shopping for groceries... not only that but he hung out with her for a few hours after. When I called him to pick me up he refused and I had my parents take me home. He got home late and we got into an epic fight. During the fight he said "But I'm in love with YOU J***". Needless to say I burst into tears. My first name does NOT start with a J. He wrapped his arms around me and proposed then and there....
In my desperation to belong somewhere I accepted.
The next 5 years were full of abuse, neglect, and general nastiness. He led me down a path that I regret more than anything and he left me feeling unlovable. I attempted suicide twice during my marriage to him.
Leaving him was one of the hardest and best things I've ever done. I'm just now getting to a place where I can focus on myself and healing from the madness. Needless to say this is just the awful stuff... My life has had so many joys and moments of content that outweigh all of this negative but sometimes I still feel like that little girl taking the allergy meds just to get the pain to stop. Sometimes I am still the abused tween and wife. I know God has given me my life for a reason. He will not give me anything I cannot stand. This tattoo is to remind me in the middle of all that darkness and sorrow to be brave and give it one more day, one more week... to make a difficult change for the better.
“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear; The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.”
― Meg Cabot, The Princess Diaries
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Tattoo Aftercare Day 7
Just a quick update on the healing of my tattoo. The dryness has gone down since my last post and it itches. It's not unbearable I just have to remind myself that not itching will be worth it long after the satisfaction of a scratched itch. Parts of my tattoo are regaining brightness though it is still shiny and scabbed. According to most of the aftercare articles I read my healing should be done in 3 days to another week. I am still super happy with my tattoo and I'm so glad I got it.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Tattoo Aftercare Day 4
So far I have kept up with my routine of cleaning my tattoo multiple times a day. Last night my tattoo started peeling and scabbing. It looks a lot worse than it feels really. The worst part of it is denying my natural instinct to peel the dead skin. I've caught myself rubbing it to get it to flake off. I'm not supposed to do that... At the bottom I will link a few aftercare sites just fyi.
T
TTuesday, January 6, 2015
Tattoo!!!
I got a tattoo! Yes I know it's a surprise with everyone these days getting one. (Yes that was sarcasm.) I have been contemplating getting one for 10 years now and I knew what I wanted. I just never had the courage, money, nor the opportunity to get one. I decided that I would get myself one for my 26th birthday but since it is near Christmas time it got postponed a couple weeks.
On the 20th of December I went into TATTOOZ INK to make an appointment. I looked through their artists' profiles and finally chose Ron Jared because his work was similar to what I would do if I could draw. I made the appointment for January 4th at 11 am and made my down payment of $100.
When the day finally came, my mom and I arrived a half hour early (mostly due to my excitement and nervousness). Once we were let in I filled out my paperwork and had my consultation with the artist. He was very nice and explained things well. It took about 40 minutes for him to draw up something. When he was finished he showed me the tattoo he had in mind and I loved it. He went in the back and finished making my stencil. The whole time my nervousness was getting a hold on me. I couldn't sit still and my adrenaline was pumping.
Ron finally called me back and we got set up. Mom was allowed to come back with me even though she was looking a bit green. I knew she wasn't looking forward to it. She doesn't like needles but she went with me because I asked her to be there for moral support. I don't think I could have done it without her. I told Ron that it was my first tattoo and he told me it was no big deal. He did a small part of a line and stopped. I was surprised at the feeling. It was indescribable. There are things similar but nothing exactly like it. He looked at me and waited for my signal. I looked at him and nodded. "That's not so bad..." I said with a slight laugh. "You gonna live?" he asked and started again. I nodded and smiled. "Yeah. I think so."
It took about an hour for the tattoo to be finished but once it was I fell in love with it. I would have been just fine with the black outline that he did but he also added color to it. He quickly bandaged it up and told me how to care for it. I was to keep the bandage on for an hour or two. After that time I was to take it off and wash the tattoo. After that I was to was it several times a day and keep it clean for a few days.
When I took off the bandage it was red and raised up... obviously irritated.There was a little bit of a mess from the excess ink leaking out and my blood. I cleaned it up with a little bit of discomfort. I washed it a couple more times and once more before bed. Before I retired for the night I wrapped my arm in plastic wrap and used a bit of medical tape to keep it in place.
The next morning I woke with a bit of excess ink on my arm. I took care to wash it and keep it clean even as I worked. Throughout the day it scabbed over a bit.
Today it was the same thing. But I will keep you all updated as the process continues!
On the 20th of December I went into TATTOOZ INK to make an appointment. I looked through their artists' profiles and finally chose Ron Jared because his work was similar to what I would do if I could draw. I made the appointment for January 4th at 11 am and made my down payment of $100.
When the day finally came, my mom and I arrived a half hour early (mostly due to my excitement and nervousness). Once we were let in I filled out my paperwork and had my consultation with the artist. He was very nice and explained things well. It took about 40 minutes for him to draw up something. When he was finished he showed me the tattoo he had in mind and I loved it. He went in the back and finished making my stencil. The whole time my nervousness was getting a hold on me. I couldn't sit still and my adrenaline was pumping.
Ron finally called me back and we got set up. Mom was allowed to come back with me even though she was looking a bit green. I knew she wasn't looking forward to it. She doesn't like needles but she went with me because I asked her to be there for moral support. I don't think I could have done it without her. I told Ron that it was my first tattoo and he told me it was no big deal. He did a small part of a line and stopped. I was surprised at the feeling. It was indescribable. There are things similar but nothing exactly like it. He looked at me and waited for my signal. I looked at him and nodded. "That's not so bad..." I said with a slight laugh. "You gonna live?" he asked and started again. I nodded and smiled. "Yeah. I think so."
It took about an hour for the tattoo to be finished but once it was I fell in love with it. I would have been just fine with the black outline that he did but he also added color to it. He quickly bandaged it up and told me how to care for it. I was to keep the bandage on for an hour or two. After that time I was to take it off and wash the tattoo. After that I was to was it several times a day and keep it clean for a few days.
When I took off the bandage it was red and raised up... obviously irritated.There was a little bit of a mess from the excess ink leaking out and my blood. I cleaned it up with a little bit of discomfort. I washed it a couple more times and once more before bed. Before I retired for the night I wrapped my arm in plastic wrap and used a bit of medical tape to keep it in place.
The next morning I woke with a bit of excess ink on my arm. I took care to wash it and keep it clean even as I worked. Throughout the day it scabbed over a bit.
Today it was the same thing. But I will keep you all updated as the process continues!
After the first washing
Morning ink drain
Day 3
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Bathing Miss Lilly
For those of you who don't know, I got a kitten this summer. She is a very cute tuxedo with bright yellow eyes. It took a few days for her to adjust to life with two dogs and three people eager for her attention. I've owned cats before but I'd never had them sleeping in my bed... thus the weekly baths came into being. I wasn't going to have my cat sleep in my bed while she's bringing in God knows what from outside.
Lilly was, of course, not happy with the baths at first. She fought me and meowed like I was torturing her. After the bath was over she shivered and shook and glared at me for several hours afterward. Finally she allowed me to cuddle her and get her fully dry. Don't get me wrong. She still hates the baths but she knows they are going to happen if she likes it or not. Now she has learned that if she cooperates it will happen a lot faster and she can get cuddled.
Lilly before the bath....
Lilly was, of course, not happy with the baths at first. She fought me and meowed like I was torturing her. After the bath was over she shivered and shook and glared at me for several hours afterward. Finally she allowed me to cuddle her and get her fully dry. Don't get me wrong. She still hates the baths but she knows they are going to happen if she likes it or not. Now she has learned that if she cooperates it will happen a lot faster and she can get cuddled.
Lilly before the bath....
Her sulking afterward....
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